God be God’ing. This is not up for debate or discussion. Now to the message.
Here’s the thing, my human be (yes, be) messing up sometimes. What do I mean? I am glad you asked. I have heard it described that we, humans, are spiritual beings having a human experience. If that’s the case… it’s the human experience that I fail at sometimes. Not here to make that cute. Sometimes I mess up.
Plain and simple.
What’s not simple…my heart. My mouth says, “I give up” (on xyz thing or effort). My heart though… she’s like, “I mean…I give up today.”. Have you ever had that moment? You declare the day a wash and then go to sleep. When you wake up, you try again. Tenacity. My heart has tenacity. It has seen highs and lows and still begs to believe. It still begs to believe that I will encounter the one whom my soul loves. A love that feels like home. Not perfection, home.
When I was younger, I had a list. You know the kind. The one with the boxes. (Don’t worry, I had one for me too. Equal opportunity expectations!) But the thing is what my heart desires has changed over the years. What I know now, I didn’t know in my 20’s. Heck, this is the last year of my 30’s and I promise you, I am not the same person. Twenty-Nine could sit down and take notes from Thirty-Nine. What I desire most is not the insta-worthy moments, it’s the memories that will carry me well into my fully gray years. What I desire sounds like intentionality and apology, it feels like warmth and altruistic authenticity. What I want still has a height requirement (my height or taller…nothing crazy), but beyond that… are you strong enough to yield to Christ? Notice, I am not asking for your church attendance record or how many times you’ve read the BIBLE. I am not even asking if you have read it from cover to cover. One, I haven’t. Secondly, reading it is one thing, living it is something else. Do you know HIM? Relationship>religion. I don’t need to marry a box checker, because I will NEVER check all of your boxes. But where it counts, I’m heavy. Heavy on the support and encouragement. Heavy on the love and respect in public and conversation and accountability in private. Heavy on the allowing you to lead, heavy on the prayer, and when the time comes…heavy on the loving. I am heavy where it counts.
I no longer have a list. My desires have changed. My human gets it wrong sometimes. But what I know full well… one day, I’ll get it right. Not perfect, but right. One day.
Valentine’s LOVE Day.