Categories
life

Professor Dis.

Do you grow in your disappointment?

It’s a part of the human experience. You can’t get around it. DIS-Appoint-ment. Dis is an indicator of a negative experience. But guess what… It might sting for a minute but it doesn’t have to stay negative. I have had a lot of interesting moments of disappointment recently. I had a choice. I could stay down, or I could learn from the moment. I have said with every job application, “I want what God wants for me. If this job is not what He has ordained for me, I DON’T WANT IT.” Guess what. You can repeat that a million times, it doesn’t kick the sting. But every time I repeat that to myself, I am reminded that God’s will for Andonnia is FOR Andonnia. Like there are some Andonnia sized places that only Andonnia can fill. Sub your name for YOUR STUFF. It’s true. A job could be a great fit in the wrong season and still be, that’s right, WRONG.

So, ask yourself, what is there to learn in the disappointment? Allow it to teach the lesson it came to teach. Soothe the hurt and find your joy.

Remember, joy isn’t based on your journey…it’s based on JESUS. Since He is consistent, joy is too. I wasn’t happy about the “great candidate but we went with someone else” emails…but I AM glad that I know God doesn’t sleep. When the NEXT comes up…it will be WORTH it!

Keep your head up and your prayers flowing.

IVY OUT

Categories
life

Reserving Mother’s Day for later…

Last year a LOT of people told me Happy Mother’s Day. I kinda smirked and said.. “not yet”. Then that individual and several others went to an explanation of bow I am a “mother figure”. And with a deep sigh… I want to share my heart.

While I am a nurturer, and I LOVE THAT ROLE, I am not a mother YET. I would really like to reserve that for when I carry a little.

A stranger told me Happy Mother’s Day yesterday and I redirected that to my mom.

I am 37 years old. I want to be a mom. My season hasn’t come. I am able to voice this. I want you to think of all the women who CAN NOT voice this. Angel moms, mom’s who have experienced loss or who have complications with fertility. Be gentle with your words. “Happy things” can yield unhappy results under certain circumstances.

You can politely ask. You can avoid all together. But for me… please reserve Mother’s Day for my wombfruit. My harvest will come.

Ivy Out.

Categories
life

When YOU form the weapon…

I ALMOST put my opinions on somebody, read verbal punch, until I thought about my ugly moments. The moments only God could accept me because I would have thrown me away then too. I formed a weapon…an opinion…a statement about someone else’s shortfall and then God said, “Remember when you…” GATHERED ME RIGHT ON UP.

Maybe I am the only person in the world who has had that moment, but I won’t be the last in history. Think about Grace and MERCY in your own life, it will help you with other’s humanity. For good measure, tuck Proverbs 23:12 and Proverbs 23:18 in your heart for safe keeping.

Ivy Out

Categories
life

A question for you:

Will we sit still long enough to hear? Will we still ourselves so that it isn’t our history making suggestions? Sometimes the apex of our confusion is not due to the stimulus outside of who we are. MANY times it is the noise I N S I D E of us. I dare you to get still and get quiet. Ask GOD to show you the answer. Can you create space in your schedule for your SOULution?

IVY Out

Categories
life

Not the busy, the rest…

It’s not uncommon for people to assume that my busy is a problem. However it’s when I am doing nothing that usually triggers me. There is always something to do. I had to literally learn to rest. I remember my mother telling me I would have to do that. I have been a purpose driven girl my whole life. Serving others. Hurting when others hurt. I have NEVER understood the hate that radiates from some people. Hate has no inherent purpose. It doesn’t do anything but reveal evil. Heck maybe that is its purpose. . . the Red Flag Alarm that says, “BROKEN”.

It’s sad that in America…those who hate go from one demographic to another. Bias is revealed ALL OVER THE PLACE. With that being said… Joy is a revolution. Peace is a revolution. REST is a revolution. In a world where busy is interrupted by constant HATRED… JOY, PEACE, AND REST are things we must remember to cultivate. The current attacks on humanity bother my very soul. It is only in Christ that I find peace. LITERALLY. I cry when I encounter the MANY outlets blasting the latest. My heart is sore for the Asian community, the Black community – of which I am a part, and everyone with a heart enough to be a real ally.

My country tis of thee… WHERE IS YOUR LIBERTY AMERICA?

Don’t worry about your strong friend’s busy… worry about their rest.

IVY OUT

Categories
life

In the storm

It can be easy to accept the storms you are prepared for. The storms that surprise you, generally take your breath away.

I live in Texas. Born and raised here. I have lived in another state, but came home to Texas and bought my house. My home state is all over the National News. Not for something amazing… for another botched response to a natural disaster.

There are somethings that one comes to expect in certain regions. Arctic storms in the south don’t match. It’s not even off like a hyperbole… more like acid and hot sauce. It doesn’t match up. Even though like a Hurricane, we had at least four or five days of warning, we were ill prepared for our power grid failures. Thus, I was one without power for too long.

I literally had fingers and toes go numb. It was scary. I prayed and tried to stay encouraged… but imagine how cold it has to be to blow smoke outside…I blew smoke in my bed, under layers of clothes and blankets, holding my 10 pound dog. THAT DAY I cried out. That day a Soror rescued me. That day, a neighbor I didn’t know helped me release my frozen garage door. That day, I had been sitting in my car warming and charging. I realize how close I came to CO2 harm. Making sacrifices the only way I knew how. Venting my house through two open doors. I know I had CO2 in my house because I had trouble lighting a flame to light my candle. I had to stand by the open door. This prompted me to leave the door open a while. Was it already freezing. Yes. But the way my second favorite subject is set up in my brain… I listened to the unction.

I was fortunate where some were not.

That doesn’t change the reality of this trauma. I have lived through hurricanes and floods. EACH brings it’s own layer of trigger. 2020 is a shinning example of what trauma can do and how it can largely affect and effect. We are 49 days into this year, and much like the last one, I have not given up hope. However comma I have been severely tested. The body’s natural response to danger is to draw blood from certain places to help protect vital organs… GREAT… but do you know how scary it is for an artist to have to process danger in her fingers?!? To see them turn colors. To know it’s because someone with a lot of money thought “oh that will never happen” until it did?!?

And that was just up until mid-Tuesday. Wednesday brought electricity after 75 hours and a burst pipe. More almost frozen fingers. But MORE answered prayers by way of neighbors who called the cops when something didn’t seem right. The cops contacted my family who contacted me. One of these neighbors also helped me shut off the water, move the fallen sheetrock and manually lower my garage door. God sent me people. Literally people who came to aid. Again, my Soror Angel helped me navigate and have safe shelter. I am soooo grateful for commUNITY.

Yes, this week has been a nightmare. Yes, I have already alerted my therapist that I will need an appointment to process all of this. Yes I prayed daily for myself and others. Yes I still trust God. Yes I still see a reason, and a strong one at that, for faith. Yes, hope is real. Hope kept me warm under blankets while it was LITERALLY freezing out&inside. Love undergirds the good. Add commas where you need them…

Thank you for reading. I pray you NEVER encounter storms that can literally chase after your life. However comma… storms in concept will come. No one on earth is immune. Look for the blessing on the other side. Hope for it. Have faith that it will come & that your prayers don’t fall on deaf ears. In the storm… HOLD ON TO HOPE. With every ounce of you that you have. It will be the lifeline you need. We aren’t out of the storm… but the sun has come out. Light reminds us that darkness hasn’t won. Look to the light.

Ivy out.

Categories
life

Who feels worthy anyway?

Ahem… it’s 2021… can we de al with this myth of “feeling qualified”? Maybe this isn’t your testimony or story, but CHILE… it is mine!

I have done a few things in my life (spoken at some conferences, created and hosted some, preached, taught, published a book *no longer in print, sang a few places, facilitated a workshop I created while in another country, been on international radio stations, been a part of a Sorority almost two decades, some sisterhoods, a tribe, and this little blog of mine is about nine years old (had to go back and count)) but I have never felt qualified for any of it. I have been teaching for twelve years and I often don’t feel qualified to do that. Somehow, over 1,000 students have passed Miss Maiben’s doors. What does any of this have to do with this blog’s title? You need to stop depending on “feelings” when it comes to qualifications. I will just go out on a holy limb here and say the very fact that you DON’T feel qualified prepares the foundation for FAITH to show it’s fullll self mighty in your life. God shows up when we let Him lead. When you get these God sized opportunities, you end up with a God sized responsibilities. There is no place inside of a God sized opportunity for our human feelings.  You know why? Feelings are not a constant. They shift constantly. If you are waiting to feel worthy to do what you are assigned…you’ll never do it.

Now what I do want us to realize is, when we move in God’s will to do what God assigns that is outside of our capacity…GOD GETS THE GLORY. If we could do it without God…we would attempt claim the credit for the thing. Come on through God… get all of the glory for these assignments gifted to me. My prayer is for the wisdom to operate in excellence, the peace to survive and thrive in the process, the grace to learn and not fail, the mercy to grow even when I miss the mark, and the faith to be obedient.

I don’t feel qualified, but I do feel called. I don’t feel worthy, but I know it’s assigned. With an humble and shaky heart…I keep moving in what I am called to do.

Ivy Out!

Categories
life

Toddler Taught

When I was a toddler, steps look like Everest. I would use my little limbs, all fours, to climb to the top. I felt so accomplished when I got to there. No flag to mark my victory, I probably smiled. Now I live in a two-story house. The only time my stairs posed a threat was after knee surgery. It’s funny how we take things for granted that as babies we saw with great hope and determination.

I am really starting to take a new perspective to “childlike faith” – Matthew 18:3-4. Loose connection but stay with me. If you watch a toddler learn to walk you can learn something. The adult is super hopeful. We will the little one to victory even after they succumb to crawling again. Children teach us that no matter how hard, fast, or strong we want them to walk…they are going to do it when they are READY. I was always taught that children, in their innocence, are closer to God. I imagine them having convos with angels and their prayers being literal convos with Abba in languages we don’t understand. They talk to Abba Father about when they are ready to move on and that determines their pace. We, the adults watch with calculated anticipation for the day when the baby finally decides to walk. All of this built up energy seems to feel like nothing as we move on swiftly to the next milestone.

Insert adult dreams and hopes. How quickly we forget to talk to Abba about RIGHT timing. How quickly we turn on our dreams and hopes when their timeframe seems to elude us like hide and go seek. How  quickly do we allow the energy of expectation to wane into disappointment, nevers, and past tense if “it” doesn’t show up on the day we inked into our planners. Children don’t give up that easily. Have you ever told a child not to touch something because it was hot?

When we humble ourselves to “not knowing”, to “Dear God…”, to “Hi God it’s me Andonnia – insert your name here… and wait for Him to guide us. Humble ourselves to letting failure teach like lessons and not cancellations. Humble ourselves to praying until paths are revealed – even it its just one step. Then the kingdom of heaven won’t seem so far away. Have we ever consider this life, that is for our good and God’s glory, is a series of attempts to walk. Walk more like him. Walk more than crawl. Walk in the shadow of the Almighty, in the steps of our savior, in the will of the Father, in the unknowing of the path but Knowing that God has us?

Let this day be greeted with unknowing. That is when we let faith lead us to the top of the stairs.

IVY OUT.

Categories
life

January 20, 2021

I just witnessed America’s FIRST Black, Asian, and Woman Vice President be sworn in. I cried. I didn’t expect to cry. However, when I think of my own family lineage…it makes sense. My grandmother and her sisters and brothers participated in the Civil Rights Movement in our hometown. One of my great uncles actually played a vital role in protecting the charter of our local NAACP chapter. I won’t mention the group that searched his home just think of the time period. My grandmother passed away in December of 2008. She was alive but not very responsive when the actual election results were announced in November, but she was still here. She was born in 1916. As I take that in and I think about the history of this country, what Black people have endured, what Black women have endured I cry again. My grandmother had many jobs…one was to care for a Caucasian family. When The Help came out years ago… I CRIED THEN TOO. Although I was told the family was kind to my grandmother, the concept bothered my soul. I MET them… I was conflicted. Not because I couldn’t believe that a family could be kind to her, but to know that at one point…in the “land of the free and home of the brave” that an occupation for Black women was to cook, clean, and care for other people’s families. My God how far we have come. We have farther to travel, but today… I saw something never witnessed before. I saw another FIRST. A Black, South Asian, Woman of ALPHA KAPPA ALPHA SORORITY INCORPORATED was sworn in as the Vice President of The United States of America. My tears accompany prayers for this country as we still urgently need to heal. May God protect us all. In my pink, pearls, and chucks…

 IVY OUT

Categories
life

Saying goodbye to this year…

I say goodbye to this year with a stoic reverence. Minding my perspective, much like the rain washing through Houston today, 2020 exposed a lot that needed care. Racial wounds in this country have been festering since it’s birth. America was once home to Indigenous people who both respected the land and humanity and two groups of Europeans. Those were sent here for punishment and those who sought refuge from persecution. Those groups quickly turned into the problem for both Indigenous people and Black people. Why BLACK and not an ethnic identifier? We were stripped of it and our humanity was also attempted – but both Indigenous and Black people are resilient. Cameras and social media have exposed much about antebellum lovers. Covid-19 made the entire globe stand still. A deadly germ, unseen to the naked eye, put a stop to the business and busyness of life as we know it. Toilet Paper and Cleaning Wipes became a thing if want and desire as cleaning became a focus again. Opportunists drove up prices and people finally began to appreciate those on the front lines of SERVICE. Yes, medical professionals, transportation personnel, grocers, farmers, ranchers, warehouse workers, and finally teachers. Teachers, who never got to stop working, became a wonder. Parents, a child’s first teachers became more active on education and technology became the conduit whereby lessons were pipped into home like water through screens. The myths about “the perfect child” were bashed against the rock of toggling of children under one roof with distractions. Employers that would have previously never allowed their operations to shift to “work-from-home” status QUICKLY shifted so that things could continue even in the presence of a pandemic. The term “new normal” surfaced and even I have dripped these words from my mouth slowly like molasses from buttered pancakes, and even now I shudder deep within my being. Nothing about this life has ever been normal. I am allergic to status quo. I was never invited to that table. I was allowed to build it, yes, but no one drew out a seat for me there. 2020 has broken what was referred to as normal. I should like to thank her for that. Because we will never be what we were before. We still aren’t out of the manacles of this germ’s clutches. And with that, I will end this is a reverent moment of silence for all of those who are no longer with us on this side. For those who have entered heaven’s gate I send peace and condolences to the families.

::🙏🏽::

Ivy Out