If you have heard me speak at any point in the past two years, you know I’ve been single for a while. (Insert clip about situationships… yall know about situationships. Don’t play. Laugh, I did…) I have dated my way, done what I wanted, tried to placate truth for desires, had sex outside of marriage, abstained for five years and then gave in again… yea, I’m THAT honest. After waiting for five years, I gave in – twice. I wasn’t loud about it, but I didn’t hide my shortcomings either. I kept waiting for the heavy break down that I had spiritually, in years past. When it didn’t come, I knew it was because of the condition of my spirit. I’d allowed frustration to cause me to do what was right in my own eyes. You know what, I had to go back to God and say… my way doesn’t work. Seriously, it never does. I kept thinking I could “help God”… He’s God, He doesn’t need my help.
I don’t mind being honest. People need to know that being a Christian isn’t about being perfect. Perfect died on a cross and rose after the third day, over two-thousand years ago. Perfect is not a human condition, but a state of divinity. The Lord allows us to strive for perfection, but not without human nature, choices, and in my case – lust. You see some thirst for other things. (Insert your vice, because we all have some temptation to fight…) Once I allowed myself to close that door, the one that said it was ok, and to surrender – again (because that is a never-ending process), then I could find peace in God again.
In 2017 I met new people, continued cycles with old ones, and finally had a breakdown about being single again. Right before my birthday. While my birthday event was BEAUTIFUL, it almost didn’t happen. I was turning 34…alone…again. Another birthday celebration I had to plan. Single people plan their own celebrations. My sister, Jai, caught me as I fell. We had a conversation and processed the fear that I had allowed to rise up. That’s when I decided that we were indeed going to celebrate. I was SOOO happy that I had that party. It was a breath of fresh air.
At the end of the month, I went to Jamaica with friends. I needed that get away. I needed to lay in that salt water and be still. I needed to listen to the waves and talk to Jesus. I needed to surrender – again. I did. What many people don’t know is that I’ve been on several dating sites. One of the side-effects of the constant pursuit of purpose/school/business/work/ministry/mentoring/creating…and anything else that rose up in my schedule is not having the social time to be seen (because he that finds a wife…right??). Men weren’t just coming up to me at church/grocery store/Target/gym…or anywhere else, so I hopped on after conversations with friends. It had been successful for them, so I gave it a shot. In 2017 the taboo about connecting online has faded because we communicate online so much. Hence this blog – a way to communicate across time and space. I had not been previously successful, but I do have stories to tell from my experiences. I had to turn off my profile while I traveled because apparently, I was attractive to the West Indian men that were on that particular site. I didn’t feel much like Stella, so when I returned to the US I turned my profile back on. Only, after that last surrender, I decided to get off of the site. Wouldn’t you know…there was one profile that I had seen before and I was led to connect before getting off for good. I am so grateful to God that I did. It was one of the best things that happened to me in 2017.
I originally didn’t connect because…well… of his tattoos. Or at least, that’s what I remember being a deterrent. Funny thing, I have tattoos. I’ve dated guys with tattoos before, but he has a lot. I judged the book by the cover until I opened the cover and began to dive into to the content. The substance that this King exudes is beyond what I prayed for. And, once he explained the meaning behind his tattoos, I saw it for what it is. Art. As an artist… you would think that’s where my mind would go first, right? Wrong, people in my past shaped what I saw/interpreted and I needed to be corrected. I stand corrected and I am smiling because of it today. Truly, I am humbled that God stopped me. I am off the site, but I am also in connection with one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met.
It took a hard surrender, an honest look at what my decisions allowed me to do, and a willingness to look at someone’s heart. It took healing, prayer, forgiveness, and being open to love again. Its possible to love after heartbreak. It’s possible to connect after the drought of singleness. God is still in the prayer answering business. I am grateful to be a witness to that.
In 2017, I learned to surrender to God’s way and allow love to rule.
Next Feature: My Sis Brittney Wade. The question…How did God grow you in 2017?
Well, well, well! What a question for a year such as mine!
The # 523 comes to mind… Yes, this is my birth month and day, BUT unbeknownst to me, 523 has more meaning than the day that the world was blessed with me. In numerology, it represents new beginnings. The number 523 came into vision at least twice a day- either it was the time 5:23, or an address, or part of a phone number.
This year was the first of many! B Exclusive Events coordinated its first wedding and curated a wonderful retreat. Not only was this my first experience planning a retreat, but my very first retreat in general. All firsts are not so glamorous, one has to take the good with the bad.
#Accountability. I had to acknowledge my weaknesses and address them. This is not my fondest moment but it was necessary for my growth. The Most High gifted me with the spirit of humility and I’m forever grateful.
I finally understand and can demonstrate LOVE… “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres”. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
2 replies on “2-0-1-7- Surrender again…”
SO happy for you. Thanks for being transparent and for sharing your testimony regarding surrendering. Enjoy this season!
Thank you Soror! I will!