Expectations are like heartbeats, everyone has at least one.
2022 rolled over me like a steam roller, rocked me like saltwater waves, and then pushed me back on my feet like a protective parent.
In the blink of several eyes, I felt like I failed.
Why? Because even a broken clock is right twice a day. 2022 felt like 24 hours of wrong on repeat. (yes, all of that!)
I never questioned God, but His plan and will for my life felt like a computer program that I didn’t know the code for. Parts of 2022 felt like I was watching it from the outside. As if I was going through the motions, present but not always participating…
Someone said I looked happy. I would disagree. Although I know how to put on clothes and smile, most days I am a bit bummy. I have joy. At my core, I am grateful for Jesus, but my humanity has been on display. The more I reflect, I think about how my current (insert noun here) doesn’t look the way I thought it would. Yet, get this, I am VERY grateful that it doesn’t.
I had to set up the shadow so the light would shine, you see.
I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I was doing the things, all of the things, to get to where I thought I wanted to be. But when I look back over my year, I survived it. I survived health scares, I survived my surgery, I survived shifting people in and out of my life, I survived a second doctor telling me not-to-wait, I survived being misunderstood multiple times, I survived other people’s opinions, I survived crying and smiling and caring for my people. I survived the financials, the horrible business year, and the lack of creativity – which if you know me is a scary place to be. An artist who doesn’t create is like lungs that don’t breathe.
But it was a transition year.
It had to happen. I had to wake up. I had to realize the lessons. I had to be ready to embrace new experiences. I had to be stretched. That’s the thing about a rubber band… after a while the original shape is gone. It’s replaced by a stretched capacity. And there it is… my word for 2023. CAPACITY.
I might have the ability. But if I don’t have the CAPACITY the answer is no, respectfully. I could explain that, but NO is a complete sentence. This next season will look different for me. It will be different because I am different. My life didn’t wait for midnight on NYE to be different. I am because there is no way you survive and return. So maybe I will come back to this blog. The last time I actually posted was December 28, 2021. Even then, I only posted 12 times in 2021. I can’t promise that I will be a regular again. I can promise different. Growth requires that. Grace too.
Merry Christmas folx.