Diagnosis not death…

Did the title bring you to this entry? Great. Here we go. I got part one of this situation back in December os 2020… I didn’t really share. But with this fall’s shift I began looking for resources and that was a struggle. So here we go:

On October 1, 2021 I was diagnosed officially with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and in the midst of maybe my 5th or 6th pelvic ultrasound over maybe 5 years, a THIRD fibroid was found. The first two fibroids were found December 2020. So the news of a third sent me emotionally over the edge. In 10 months another one decided to pop up.

Let’s break this up. PCOS and Fibroids are both very common among Black women. Yet I didn’t know that one of them affected someone close in my family UNTIL I shared my first two with my mother. WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN OUR BODIES.

I can’t give you expert knowledge yet… because I honestly don’t know enough to even know where to point you.

I can’t tell you all the sites, sources, and resources out there on God’s internet… but I want to stay AUTHENTIC and TRANSPARENT via this blog about this Christian Black Woman’s truth (ME). And I identify myself as I always have on this blog. Why? It’s MY blog, lol. And word to “Auntie Tab”, that’s my business.

October 1 – day 1 – (the) Emotion that initially bubbled up: FRUSTRATION. “dear God, really?!” I get this close to some relational and family goals and then “my womb”?!? Really? And although I know the scriptures and the Biblical truths – THAT IS NOT WHERE MY INITIAL THOUGHT WENT. I refuse to overspiritualize my reaction… I was in a yucky place!

Day 2 – I had a whole bunch going on so I didn’t get to really process.

Day 3 – Back to having time to process this…Sitting in church BALLING (crying), I literally walked into the lobby and finished the sermon in the lobby. Sadness, frustration, disappointment all about what the diagnoses could mean…I felt it all like I had bricks on my shoulder.

You see among a bunch of regular symptoms, PCOS and FIBROIDS BOTH can make fertility & conception more difficult. That is not something a 38 year old woman who WANTS children wants to hear. Now once the emotions came down enough for me to process the TRUTH that God CAN even with all of this, I began to notice people around me. God literally sent people and their testimonies to me. People’s daughters who were currently pregnant, people who had successful fibroid treatments, and even one sister whose PCOS is no longer detectable.

I don’t yet know what my treatment options are – because there are a lot of factors to consider – because medical referrals aren’t speedy – and because I just don’t have enough information yet, but I am evaluating everything possible to preserve my womb. Outside of the fact that I will not let anyone remove my “lady parts”…it’s a huge factor in WOman. Like HUGE. And this isn’t the part where I need someone to tell me not tow worry. To some extent I have to process this in chunks.

So if you are out there and you dealt with these, are dealing with this, or know someone who is… I OVERSTAND. I am in the THICK of it. I know that God can and still will get the glory out of even this. I am here. We can fill up these comments. Literally, I am open to the conversation. I will not deal with this silently in hope that it will encourage someone else. No more than even commUNITY matters.

So there you have it. I was diagnosed with PCOS and a 3rd fibroid… it wasn’t a death sentence – but it almost killed my dream of being a mother after being a wife. BUT GOD. Emotions come to reveal something to us. I literally had to ask myself, “do you REALLY trust GOD/JESUS CHRIST/HOLY SPIRIT with EVEN this?!”I cried asking myself that and admitting that I did. But like the man in the Gospels…I prayed, “God I believe, but help my unbelief!. He answers every prayer…even if it’s “wait”. So while I wait, I will build community and eventually awareness. I will faith and fight. And one day… when my sweet babies are born… I will look back and say… LOOK WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE!