I don’t like…

This isn’t easy to type, but it’s necessary.

I don’t like the month of May anymore.

I’m not particularly fond of spring either.

While some people are excited about spring flowers and sunshine…it just reminds me of the last major life change – I am still processing. March 26, 2015 my SUPERDad went into the hospital. May 7, 2015 he changed citizenship to Pearly Gates Drive for eternity. Spring takes me back to the forty-three day experience that I couldn’t forget if I tried.

I may be writing this for selfish reasons, as a part of my processing, but I also write for everyone who has had to learn the hard lesson that grief teaches. I write this for anyone who may feel any of the feelings I will express, but do not choose to share it with the world. I write for voice, and voice alone.

Sometimes, people just need to feel. Emote. Release. Vent. Scramble through the bramble – even when it’s painful. Sometimes people need to be ok with the fact that they are still not ok, and THAT’S OK. Sometimes, they just need a hug – no words involved. Maybe they need to cry – with no words involved. Sometimes, they don’t know what they need…but they want someone genuine to try to be there for them. Strong people don’t want to be strong while grieving. They want to be able to come unglued like everyone else… but sometimes they aren’t allowed to. The world doesn’t stop while you grieve. Assignments are still assigned, family roles don’t come to a standstill, and expectations don’t change.

In the gym, when you lift weights, it makes you stronger. Ask anyone who participates in weight lifting if they pain of lifting ever goes away. Or just search hash tags like #legday. Training can wear you out, but it shows you that you can push past the pain, eventually, and come out stronger. Grief does that, only some of us were not already preparing for it. It’s like having someone throw a barbell at you. If you don’t catch it, it will hurt. If you catch it, it could hurt. Case and point, grief hurts.

This isn’t a cry for help or sympathy. I respect the process. I know it has to happen. It doesn’t stop me from missing him daily. It doesn’t stop me from wishing that May 7th could temporarily fall of the calendar until I’m strong enough to face it. This is only the second time I’ve had to face this beast. And while I know I will get through it, it’s hard. For everyone who can’t say…words aren’t appropriate at the moment… For everyone who can’t express that the pain doesn’t go away…we just tolerate it…. For everyone who understands what it is to re-experience the memories… I understand.

I wish no one else would understand this, and that it’s just lethargic for me. Unfortunately, I doubt that.


April showers were really just tears. May flowers were placed in an urn. Dear Summer…




(Insert Fireworks, Toasts, Prayers, Fasts, and New Bible/Book Study Here)

WE have entered a new year, thank you Lord, and it could not come with MORE uncertainty. With a new head of state, there are new changes in government. Whether you agree or not, things are changing. New years also signal new seasons for some. (My season actually began changing in December, not January 1st. ) Lots of people resolve to make these huge changes in order to evoke something new. I stop resolving years ago. The resolutions didn’t come to pass. I didn’t take the steps to transition from then to the resolved issue. So you see, it wasn’t the resolution that didn’t work, it was me.

As I mature, if I can say that without giggling with sarcasm, I create goals for myself. While I do have a few annual goals, I much prefer my quarterly milestones. These are check points in order to help me look back on this year and see the actual transition come to its point of completion. I realized while I was encouraging sisters on my facebook page (Seven Days More), I had not created a solid God sized goal for Annlettered (Annlettered Home ). Once I sat down and started putting the dream on paper,  I realized the amount of commitment it would take. It also spurred research in areas that I am not well versed with yet. All of these are positives.

What isn’t positive: CLUTTER. Clutter will cause transitions to fail, schedules to be overbooked, and minds to ache. For example, if I pack my schedule to the brim with commitments, even if I mean well, I have no time for house cleaning, laundry, rest, and tasks that may seem mundane. Life doesn’t mandate that we become awesome in public and neglect the mundane. Once those mundane tasks become obtuse, you have now added more pressure to keep up outside of the home and inside which is in disarray. (This may not be your truth, add your specific situation here.) Just because you are awake 8-18 hours a day – which I often am, it doesn’t mean that you need to schedule every hour! One of my goals, which I didn’t accomplish last year, is to simplify. My schedule, responsibilities, house items, closet items (Can I get an amen here? Anyone clean their closet several times a year, but never see the relief?), and any other area where I feel I am just collecting things and not using them. We have become too loyal to clutter. Be like Elsa, “Let it Go”!

It is the time of transition. A new year. The first month of the year to start practices that can become habits. It requires discipline. It may not feel great in the beginning, but change doesn’t always come with butterflies. Do it now, enjoy it later.

Are there things you plan to change in 2017? I’d love to hear about them. Also, feel free to check out the links. 🙂

Ivy Out