Mic Check: Relationship Gut Check

This message is not going to make some people happy. However, I have never really been a crowd pleaser.

Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s expose and talk. This is a twofold blog, and it’s candid.

I have noticed that a lot of my Single Christian Girlfriends are frustrated. I float into that emotion from time to time. Around holidays and special celebrations, I believe it gets worse. Part of the reason for the frustration may be what we are visually attracted to. The first glance is what usually calls for exploration. For the most part, women will pick you apart within the first ten minutes of conversation. I have heard it was quicker for men, however I can only speak from experience. When it comes to initial contact, I am very attentive to the content and ease of the conversation. A lack of substance is a red flag.

We will always be frustrated if we are attracted to, approached by, or affiliated with people who are not spiritually sound. This goes far beyond just being  labeled as a Christian. If she is striving to live right, and he is just trying to make it a regular occurrence to show up to church, you two will eventually split. Even if the split isn’t inevitable, conflict will be. While conflict is a normal occurrence in life, some of it can be avoided.  I can’t speak for other Christian single women, but I can speak for me. I don’t want to entertain anyone who has not built their own spiritual foundation. Where am I pulling stuff like this? I don’t know, maybe Ephesians 4, 2 Corinthians 6:14, Amos 3:3, and Hebrews 10:25 for starters.

If you imagine your spiritual life like a muscle, then you understand that it atrophies without use. So for the woman who is making attempts to deny her flesh, connecting with a man who is giving in to his is going to be trouble. Even simpler than that, if she wants someone who will read/study with her – and he doesn’t see that as valuable – that will end in conflict. The silent conflicts are the worst. He may not even know that his actions are painful to her. She then pulls away and becomes emotionally unattached. Newsflash for the non-communicating audience: if a communicator stops communicating with you, there is cause for alarm. Yes, I will blatantly use repetition for emphasis in this blog. I stated that it was candid, maybe I should sub that for blunt, with a smile? While this can also happen in from a male driven perspective, I am dealing with this as a single Christian woman. I welcome all feedback in the comments section. 😉

I have recently encountered a lot of younger men on fire for Christ. This is awesome. It really is. At the time of encounter, I was in an environment where only those who are serious about Christ would be. This is where I take responsibility for my frustration, apparently I don’t always place myself in environments where potential suitors would be, who are on fire for Christ. The problem with that is, that includes church. Every single man who attends church isn’t necessarily living for Christ. How do I know?? As to not expose myself, or others, you are going to have to take my word on this one. If you disagree, again comments are welcome!! Other environments might have Christians, but how you carry yourself IN the world is a key indicator of what’s in you. Pastor touched on something Sunday that I will attempt to interject here:

If you have to be broken and shaken before someone sees your light, you are just as effective as a glow stick. In a dark place a woman needs a beacon of light, not a peek-a-boo attempt.

Now that wasn’t my Pastor’s intent when he mentioned the break-n-shake glow stick, but the illustration works here as well.

So…full circle: Where are the mature single men who are serious about Christ and SEEKING, SEARCHING, OR LOOKING for an equally yoked single lady? (Because if you aren’t ready for her, you shouldn’t seek her out…) No this isn’t a clarion call, but maybe it is. Not for me, for US. The us that I have been referring to throughout this blog. Again, I encountered a room full of young men who were on fire for Christ, they were mostly younger twenties. I am thirty-two. That room was full of young brothers who I appreciate and applaud, but I’m not even open to those inquiries. (Is this where someone inserts criticism because I prefer the man be my age or older? Are you going to tell me that I am single because I am too picky as it relates to age? I might agree with you, considering I am looking for a Godly man to provide and lead. If he hasn’t experienced any part of life yet…how is he going to lead someone who has? I’ll wait…)

An old co-worker and I had a conversation and the question surfaced: “What if he doesn’t read every day, but he’s attempting to get stronger in the faith?” My reply: I’m good with that. My entire purpose for all of ^ that was as follows: I don’t want to be the pull for him to build a relationship with Christ. I need that to already be in place. If I am the reason that you find a need to engage your Everyday Jesus (shout out to Anthony Brown and Group Therapy for an amazing album), then I will be the only motivation for you to grow that relationship. That’s probably not a responsibility I am going to readily step in for.

Secondly:

Ladies… are we welcoming inquiries from men who counter what we’ve prayed for? Assumptions here:

• You’ve prayed about the man whom you are to wed, and it lines up with scripture…
• You are active in your preparation to be a wife. You ARE a wife before I Do manifests
• You are a believer (Most of this won’t apply to you if you are not…)
• You live the faith and not just read it

Are you so excited that a well dressed, smelling good, tall, and handsome gentleman has finally approached you with a real conversation, that you get lost in the sauce – so to speak. Are we ignoring red flags hoping that somehow he will morph later? Growth happens, without or without your influence, but we have to be realistic about things and people. Nothing we have can make a man change unless he wants to. So…. No matter the circumstances, don’t date someone just because they have the potential to be awesome. Some people choose to let potential stay just that, potential. If the foundation isn’t there, you shouldn’t be either. That means being intentional about connections. When you think of the man whom you are to submit to, I would hope you want him to be submitted to Christ. If not, Sug, who’s influencing him? If he is leading you off of a bridge, I hope you know what to do. When you think of the man who will father your children, wait-a-minute you do consider that before you give him the treasure you hold, right? Not just visually, this man will contribute the other half of the DNA forms the construction of your child. Mannerisms, mentality and perspective, attitude and behavior, and ultimately he will be the model or example for your little person (alongside you). Sex shouldn’t be the motivator here. Good sex can come from a psychopath. That should prove my point here….moving on.

If he doesn’t have some of the non-negotiables when you meet, count the cost. (Make sure this list isn’t the impossible one that some women couldn’t live up to themselves.)

Our emotions may not be our driver, but they can affect our vision. They should be checked and evaluated, not allowed to push us off of a cliff. In that same vein, pray. Pray that the Holy Spirit is with you in decision making, and that you pay attention when He speaks/moves. Be cognizant of discernment in the area of relationships. We can’t ask God for a husband and then ignore His re-directions when Mr. Not-Right-For-You shows up in great cologne and a tie.

I guess I will end this one here. I look forward to really hearing back from readers. Sometimes the truth is like strong like tea with no honey. Other times, its soul confirmation.

 

IVY Out