I can choose me and still not choose hate. I have. I will.
Perspective doesn’t change the outcome, it changes your view.
Ivy Out
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Author: Andonnia
I am the King's daughter. I am my parents' daughter, a godmother, an aunt, a niece, a sister, a soror, a listener, a hearer & doer, a philanthroservant, a writer, a student, a teacher, a live-right enthusiast, a fail forward live-er, a business woman, a woman after God's heart! ~iLove~
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Feeling authentically & still choosing peace
There is a place that we visit after something ends. It allows you to reflect. Often, the what-if’s come out to roost. However, when you realize you have done all you can, you can close the chapter in peace. Nothing lasts forever, because these things are created by human hands. Eternity can only come from God. So, I am grateful for what was. I started it asking, “what have you come to teach me?”… I have that answer now.
Ivy Out
I wondered how I feel when the shoe did drop. My insides are in knots, but what is true me is: I Tried. I tried everything at my disposal. So, since my best wasn’t good enough, I guess forever got shorter. I’ll heal. Eventually. Today, the numbness is the coping mechanism I choose. It will help me to complete the tasks that I don’t get to defer. I tried. When I look back, it’s one of the things I never want to forget.
Ivy Out
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Yes, I am still..
I am still pursuing life with as much voracity and vigor as I can!
Walking into my personal new year, birthday, I realize I am genuinely happy, but more than that… I’VE GOT JOY. True, sincere, JOY. Forty was not a bad year, but it wasn’t absent of challenges. Cue 231 day journey, iykyk, and that was not for the faint at heart. In all of it, the ups and downs, countless interviews and rejection emails and calls, the searching, the peopling, the thoughts, the gardening, the attempting to create only to hit ceilings and walls that seemed to be moving, I KNOW that God KEPT me.
The entire time He sustained me. When I didn’t see the resources, He sent people. When I didn’t see people, He sent me peace, butterflies, and beautiful days. When I kept my eyes on Him, I could see that He had me all along.
Was it EASY?
N O P E
But on the other side I can shout from the mountaintops… JUST KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
I’ve heard it quoted that, “the fastest way to get somewhere is slowly”. This is true in this season. I have had several “rerouting” moments in the past ninety days and I can now see them as God positioning me to align with the season He has me in.
This is where I insert that it may not feel good. You may grieve what you thought you lost or missed out on… but stay with me.
What if you shifted your perspective that the God who created the universe and everything in it also created ONE you. That even when you have NO CLUE what’s happening, and the world is on fire, or under the almost constant threat of war, storm, ism, fear… He is kind enough to send the very thing that makes you smile. That the scripture you NEED jumps out at you… the person who makes your heart smile reaches out when you need a boost. That even in these ramblings, you feel the deep hug that is woven into the message and you embrace that in your not knowing, you are connected to the One who does.
As I embrace forty-one, I urge you to embrace the season you are in. What we can always change is our perspective.
IVY OUT
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Ode to my thirties
Many times reflections start with alllll of the negatives… BUT THIS AINT 35 MM FILM… so… BLESSINGS from my thirties!
There were trips. I didn’t take many trips as a youth unless it was a school conference. Shout out to that trip to NYC in seventh grade with our intercity choir! So… my thirties held visits to friends in other cities and states. It also included some passport stamps, discovering some cool places, taking stunning hobbyist photos, and enlarging my mind.
Here is the beautiful thing about the mind, don’t read brain because they are related but not the same, once it expands…it expands. The new knowledge becomes a part of your knowing and of you! Come on. That’s exciting. (The hard part is recalling the knowledge when you want to… whew ::insert a great big exhale here::).
So the three most powerful parts of my latest decade is: The POWER of GOD in my life, people, and expansion.
If I was to string together the pieces of my testimony that steamrolled my thirties we’d have to also develop those negatives, but KNOW that I know Him. I have seen Him Move for myself. I have felt His embrace. I have prayed and He has answered. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17)… and the more you hear and study the Word, the more of God you learn. You lean into that new knowledge and in turn… activate more trust that the Bible is truth.
People. I know and have met some pretty awesome people. What I love is when I meet someone and God whispers to me that they are a gift! I’ve met musicians, politicians, artists, preachers & pastors, but the most impactful are my friends! I’m grateful for the people God’s sown into my life like seeds that bloom in DUE season.
Finally, the expansion. Mind expansion. Faith expansion. Creative expansion. Expansion of self. Knowledge expansion. Lesson expansion. I’m grateful for it.
I’ve begun to really settle into my house. I’ve been in it over a decade…but slowly I’m making changes that reflect my current pallet. My tastes are being refined. It’s the same with my life. Boundaries aren’t prisons, they are protection. The same way expansion pours in newness, it recognizes what must be pruned away or restricted. That requires a healthy perspective. Will you allow yourself to expand into your current season and assignment?
My thirties were a lot, but not perpetually bad. I am grateful for it.
Hello forties. Bring some hydration, sunshine, sweet memories, and expansion ok?
IVY OUT
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Real Attraction
This is a lesson that I have learned about attraction based on people I have never physically met. Well I met some, but much later than the original connection. Why do I point that out, because I don’t need anyone trying to figure out if I am talking about people who are currently in my life or those who populate my past. While this applies to them as well, I really do mean people that I have gotten to know prior to meeting in person. I am grateful for it too.
For me, the initial look is going to give you some data. Is this person aesthetically pleasing TO ME, yes or no. If the answer is yes, it encourages me to want to know more about that person. In the beginning it’s very surface and shallow as far as the ocean analogy goes. What does their voice sound like, how their day is going, their likes/dislikes. But then, the tug for attraction moves into who the person is on the inside. The more I know the more the attraction is validated or not supported. What do I mean by that… when we first find ourselves attached to someone, we tend to gloss over little things. Sometimes those little things end up mattering more than we initially gave it credit for. If a person is aesthetically pleasing on the outside and rotten internally, I want a refund for the time I spent viewing the outside. I am being silly, but I am 100% serious. The physical attraction could also be invalidated by misalignment. That person can be phenomenal and still be ill matched for me. This is a concept I wish people would gravitate to more. Quit casting people into categories because they aren’t a good fit for you. Realistically most people shouldn’t be… You don’t need a million, you need your person.
Social media has granted access in a way that was foreign before. People are able to reveal or create whatever version of themselves that they want to be shown/seen. Here’s the rub, so can we. What then becomes difficult, or a daunting task, is sifting and sorting the sugar from the salt. Your eyes can’t do that. You have to experience each grain in order to sort them. Hence, experiencing more of the WHO and not the packaging. The advances of the day make the exterior a variable. That inside though, that requires a different kind of work to change. Some people don’t even think there is a need to change. THAT is what validates the attraction, the stuff on the inside.
The Taj Mahal is BEAUTIFUL. It’s also a giant tomb. Look at people. Really see them. See yourself. Know what you know. Investigate and search until you sort salt from sugar for self. Weigh your attraction by that.
IVY OUT
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A Brief About Grief
You never get over those you love; you get through the moments.” – ASMaiben
If you know, that quote needs no explanation. Grief is a chronic beast. It doesn’t ask permission on when and how to show up. It doesn’t care about your plans or your previous resilience…because each year, moment, memory is different. While the memories themselves do not change, what they evoke or bring up is different.
Here me out. Many times, when I feel the heavy, I isolate. (Because) When I feel it, and I am holding on, I am like a fracture eggshell. I don’t want the extra attention drawn to my fissures or I will crack where I sit, stand, or lay. I don’t stay in isolation, I don’t recommend that anyone does that, but for the critical mass moments, I move so that others don’t become the catalyst to my tears.
Many times, people don’t know what to say. Sometimes, not saying anything works. Maybe it’s just a smile or a prayer. Ask if people want to acknowledge the moment… seriously. Offering to hold space, embrace, or listen is key. It gives agency back to the one who is enduring.
Don’t take my message as a mass gospel for all who grieve, but please take it into consideration. Grief is chronic. It might abate and lie dormant, but like addictions it can be triggered. No one is stronger than grief, except God and even Jesus she tears for Lazarus. Nothing is wrong with you because you grieve. You grieve because you LOVED. Never ever ever be mad for loving people. It’s the strongest power on earth. We actually need a lot more of it going around.
I made it over. I loved Zazoo with every fiber of my being. I carry 24 years of love and lessons with me daily. When people make a mark in your life, it’s ok to recognize when grief comes. Just know that one thing that fights grief back is love. Remember the love. Recall the love. Journal the love. Share the love. BE around those you love. Engage in convos about things you love. Once the moment of heaviness passes… fill the space with love. Love lifts the heavy.
Also, just a reference. I posted these pictures yesterday. People loved the makeup. The makeup was masking the heavy. One featherweight caused the crack (my zipper breaking on my pants and sending me rushing to a Walmart…only to be disappointed with what I selected…). Once I cracked, I could find my breath. Just don’t assume the pretty, the smile, the makeup, the clothes is an indicator of the state of the heart. Often times, it’s not. So when I ask, “How are you…how is your heart?” that’s why.
IVY Out
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Love, Mistakes, & Truth.
God be God’ing. This is not up for debate or discussion. Now to the message.
Here’s the thing, my human be (yes, be) messing up sometimes. What do I mean? I am glad you asked. I have heard it described that we, humans, are spiritual beings having a human experience. If that’s the case… it’s the human experience that I fail at sometimes. Not here to make that cute. Sometimes I mess up.
Plain and simple.
What’s not simple…my heart. My mouth says, “I give up” (on xyz thing or effort). My heart though… she’s like, “I mean…I give up today.”. Have you ever had that moment? You declare the day a wash and then go to sleep. When you wake up, you try again. Tenacity. My heart has tenacity. It has seen highs and lows and still begs to believe. It still begs to believe that I will encounter the one whom my soul loves. A love that feels like home. Not perfection, home.
When I was younger, I had a list. You know the kind. The one with the boxes. (Don’t worry, I had one for me too. Equal opportunity expectations!) But the thing is what my heart desires has changed over the years. What I know now, I didn’t know in my 20’s. Heck, this is the last year of my 30’s and I promise you, I am not the same person. Twenty-Nine could sit down and take notes from Thirty-Nine. What I desire most is not the insta-worthy moments, it’s the memories that will carry me well into my fully gray years. What I desire sounds like intentionality and apology, it feels like warmth and altruistic authenticity. What I want still has a height requirement (my height or taller…nothing crazy), but beyond that… are you strong enough to yield to Christ? Notice, I am not asking for your church attendance record or how many times you’ve read the BIBLE. I am not even asking if you have read it from cover to cover. One, I haven’t. Secondly, reading it is one thing, living it is something else. Do you know HIM? Relationship>religion. I don’t need to marry a box checker, because I will NEVER check all of your boxes. But where it counts, I’m heavy. Heavy on the support and encouragement. Heavy on the love and respect in public and conversation and accountability in private. Heavy on the allowing you to lead, heavy on the prayer, and when the time comes…heavy on the loving. I am heavy where it counts.
I no longer have a list. My desires have changed. My human gets it wrong sometimes. But what I know full well… one day, I’ll get it right. Not perfect, but right. One day.
Happy Valentine’s LOVE Day.
Ivy Out
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Define You
Happy New Year and Such…
I was slowing down my morning with some reading to pour into myself. I started with a newsletter email from Chrystal Evans Hurst – she is SUPER Awesome by the way. The end the spoke to defining how one would be remembered. She spoke about her “two momma” and her cake plate and cookie jar. It got me thinking. How does ANDONNIA define herself? Without too much analysis, crazy right, I penned this:
Creative Analytical Thinker
Mixed Matched Socks and Dope Earrings
Nail Art and Short Hair
Black and White AND Color
Mixed Prints and Poetry
Art and Calligraphy
Music and Blogs
Nature and Comfy Spaces
Bold Balance Ambivert
Old Soul and New School Progressive
Grateful and Honest
Reflective and Forward Thinking
Vision Cast and Critical Steps
Breath and Exhale
(yes, breath)
There is something soothing about getting to define self. Once you do, you can teach it with clarity. It’s very difficult to teach what’s cloudy to you. It becomes mud in interpersonal connections. Attempting to introduce you to others before you know who or what that is a gamble at best. Now self isn’t static. The more we known and grow, the more we shift and change. Yet, at our core, we identify and define. So, here ^ I am. It’s nice to meet you.
“Healer and Hurricane”
*IVY Out*
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Rubber Bands & Reflections
Expectations are like heartbeats, everyone has at least one.
2022 rolled over me like a steam roller, rocked me like saltwater waves, and then pushed me back on my feet like a protective parent.
In the blink of several eyes, I felt like I failed.
Why? Because even a broken clock is right twice a day. 2022 felt like 24 hours of wrong on repeat. (yes, all of that!)
I never questioned God, but His plan and will for my life felt like a computer program that I didn’t know the code for. Parts of 2022 felt like I was watching it from the outside. As if I was going through the motions, present but not always participating…
Someone said I looked happy. I would disagree. Although I know how to put on clothes and smile, most days I am a bit bummy. I have joy. At my core, I am grateful for Jesus, but my humanity has been on display. The more I reflect, I think about how my current (insert noun here) doesn’t look the way I thought it would. Yet, get this, I am VERY grateful that it doesn’t.
I had to set up the shadow so the light would shine, you see.
I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I was doing the things, all of the things, to get to where I thought I wanted to be. But when I look back over my year, I survived it. I survived health scares, I survived my surgery, I survived shifting people in and out of my life, I survived a second doctor telling me not-to-wait, I survived being misunderstood multiple times, I survived other people’s opinions, I survived crying and smiling and caring for my people. I survived the financials, the horrible business year, and the lack of creativity – which if you know me is a scary place to be. An artist who doesn’t create is like lungs that don’t breathe.
But it was a transition year.
It had to happen. I had to wake up. I had to realize the lessons. I had to be ready to embrace new experiences. I had to be stretched. That’s the thing about a rubber band… after a while the original shape is gone. It’s replaced by a stretched capacity. And there it is… my word for 2023. CAPACITY.
I might have the ability. But if I don’t have the CAPACITY the answer is no, respectfully. I could explain that, but NO is a complete sentence. This next season will look different for me. It will be different because I am different. My life didn’t wait for midnight on NYE to be different. I am because there is no way you survive and return. So maybe I will come back to this blog. The last time I actually posted was December 28, 2021. Even then, I only posted 12 times in 2021. I can’t promise that I will be a regular again. I can promise different. Growth requires that. Grace too.
Merry Christmas folx.
*IVY Out*
Andonnia's Truth 