Growing – Andonnia's Truth

No one likes to lose. Seriously, let’s be honest. When we put effort behind something and then it doesn’t work out the way you envisioned it, it’s the anvil that weighs you down. There’s just this little nagging truth. We learn a great deal when we lose.

Go ahead. Get mad at me. I knew it would happen. It’s not me, it’s the truth.

When I think about my 2019 I have two overwhelming feelings. One, I made some decisions that didn’t work. As in, I was warned and didn’t heed the warning. So, when these decisions didn’t end well for me… it hurt twice as bad. However, it forced me to reevaluate my thought process. It made me look at what my decisions prompted. Honestly, I am grateful for the thought interrupt. It was a detour that I needed to comprehend now. I don’t want to get to 2025 and have the same outcome. The only way to change the outcome is to change the actions and thoughts that got me there.

The second overwhelming feeling I have is GRATITUDE. I don’t look like what I have been through. Sincerely, most of the battles I fought were not plastered publicly. I doubt many of them were easily identifiable, even to the people closest to me. I had to reevaluate how I viewed my friends AND me as a friend.

PAUSE.

Me, as a friend. It is very easy to become critical of the people you call friend based on what they do or don’t do. It’s another thing to look at one’s self and give that same energy. I had to realize that I don’t pick up the phone and call people like I should. Over the years, I think texting and social media became my cop-out way of checking on people. Then, when people began to institute digital wellness (i.e. logging off and really perfecting face (2 face) time…) then I lost connection. Not because feelings were lost, but because my cop out was tapped out. (Insert me waving a white flag) The other culprit, change of environment. Two years ago I changed churches. That seems like a big deal to some…because…black people don’t often change churches. Those who regularly attend and serve become loyal to the building as if God isn’t present in others. Yes, church sarcasm. You’ll be ok. I am saying what some won’t. I still love my old church, but God told me to move on. I am super glad I did. What I was worried about, was staying connected to those I used to see weekly. I can admit that the connections aren’t the same, but I haven’t lost them. I just have to work harder to speak to them, since we don’t conveniently see each other weekly.

THERE’S THE REVELATION FOLKS… SHIPS are WORK. Friendship, Relationship, and any other ship that involves interaction and connection between two or more individuals. Even staying digitally connected to my blog audience is a struggle some times. Not because I don’t want to. The desire is ALWAYS present. My schedule, clear thoughts, planning and execution… those things don’t always align. Attached to the revelation is the fear that maybe I don’t measure up as a friend. Maybe I don’t reach out enough. Did something major happen and I missed it? Was I there when they needed me? Half the battle is showing up, did I? This is less about if it was noticed and more about the intention.

Hindsight is plenty clear. While I know I have some work to do, I did set out to be intentional about my connections about a year ago. Loosing #superdad in 2015 reminded me how precious life is. It put some of life’s great and horrible moments in perspective like a permanent contact lens. I am grateful for grace and mercy and friends that extend that to me. I then also extend that to them. I don’t think I am the only one who needs to work on intentional connections, re-connections, or learning when to let “well enough” be enough. Some people are good and just NOT going with you into your next season.

Say it with me friends, “Just let them go”. I know. I’ll be the bad guy for the truth. We have to honor seasons. Believe it or not, they change without your permission. Some of the people who were closest to you in previous seasons will not be adding your to their Christmas card list. (Non-Shameless Plug… want custom Christmas Cards handmade for your circle> email annlettered@gmail.com , you can also check out work on annlettered.com and http://www.instagram.com/annlettered ) When the calls stop, the texts diminish, and the face time is non-existent, say a prayer for their good and move ON. Not because you dislike them or harbor ill will, the page turned. The page WILL turn on some people. It’s ok. LEARN.

The loudest lessons this year were taught when I fell, cried, prayed, screamed, and just went to sleep because at the time… that’s all I could do. I don’t profess to have all the answers. I wouldn’t want that burden anyway. I do know how to pray. When people connect with me for prayer – I take that seriously. The mess ups prompt me to pray too. Urgent and Life altering prayers like… “fix it Jesus” and “I surrender Lord”. I know that when I mess up, my default is shifting to JESUS. I know that not every amazing event will include space for me – but that doesn’t change the fact that the event is dope. Not being included used to make me feel some kind of way… one of those lessons showed me that it’s usually not anything personal. So, I learned.

Some won’t like this. That’s ok too. Welcome to Andonnia.com. Some of the opinions of the author will not be accepted as general consensus. It’s supposed to be that way.. group think doesn’t go with my heart. (get it.. this (insert thing) doesn’t go with my outfit… )

When you don’t win, you learn. You should. Reflect and grow. Tis the season.

Ivy Out.

Yesterday came to a sweet end at my ministers-in-training class at church. I discussed something with a leader I respect, and figured out that I wasn’t alone in my “feeling”. Now, while I am learning not to put so much stock in feelings, I know they have purpose. Someone called me “Minister” at church, and because I know this person, my retort was: “my name is Andonnia”. I wasn’t attempting to be insolent, or rebellious, but I serve because it’s who I am. I am also not licensed or ordained, yet, and when that comes…I’m still Andonnia.

When I was in elementary school: I led groups and projects.

When I was in middle school: I attended a leadership academy(program) for three years, lead at my section in choir, led groups and projects, worked as an office worker, one of the lead organizational fundraisers, winner of Miss. FTA, and was president of an organization by 8th grade.

When I was in high school: I led a section in choir, worked in offices, led groups and projects, went to leadership workshops, won oratory competitions, won a pageant, worked for the chamber of commerce, worked as a youth ambassador to a refinery, got published in a few anthologies, was the highest officer in my drill team, started and choreographed a praise dance team at church, led youth at my church, sang at funerals for family, participated in at least five organizations at school.

When I was in college: I was in as many as 9 organizations at one time, I founded a service organization that is still in operation, Was president of two organizations, vice president of a counsel, I was the student representative to a presidential event a couple of times, I planned campus wide diversity programs, worked for my sorority, sang in the oldest collegiate gospel choir in Texas, wrote my first manuscript, and mentored at least 10 people.

When I got out of college: I asked my Ast. Pastor (while in Florida), why I couldn’t find a shadow. I was tired of leading. I didn’t want the titles or accolades, the responsibility or criticism, I only wanted to help people. I realized that my life will be one dedicated to God’s people, but for once I’d like to know what it’s like to lead from the back. Guess what. I’ll never know that because LEADING doesn’t happen from the back.

I have to suck up some things as it relates to that attitude. This inward feeling projected outward. I won’t shy away from opportunities that allow me to serve God’s people because it goes lockstep with my purpose. BUT, I will always and forever JUST BE ANDONNIA. You can add what you want to the titles and name changes ;), but I am an imperfect young lady growing up to be a champion God chaser. He knows ALL my faults and still sees me worthy to make Him smile.

Humbled,

Ivy Out

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