Author: Andonnia

Very often, the very thing I ask God for overwhelms me. I know humor is a human characteristic…but I truly believe that the Father has a sense of humor. Really, I do. I also know that He is sovereign and I am not. I am flesh and bones. That qualifies me for error. No one will ever have to remind me, I am aware of it every day. I am also aware that when I relinquish control, that I never really had, to the Divine King of Kings life seems to be more delightful. Life without God is not living…its hell.

Today I had a revelation while looking for peace. If I can’t find it, it usually means I’m already there. That means I have to adjust something within me to recognize it. Most of the time what’s required is a shift in perspective. Now that may be a simple combination of eleven words, but the reality is MACK TEN TRUCK HEAVY. Why, you ask? Think about the last time you had a brain that was racing. INDY 500 thoughts zooming in front of your psyche at a million miles per minute. Nonstop configurations of to-do lists and unfinished business piling up like dirty laundry and colorful monthly planners. Now in this scenario, you are also juggling connections with people. Some connections feel awesome and comfy like a wool sweater on a cold day. Others, like the glass plate being juggled by a clown on a pogo stick, they bring angst. Now these are beneficial connections in transitional emotional places. Paired with the original image, you can imagine why peace is a goal. I mean, I am human. In ADAM ALL FALL. That’s why I am soooo grateful for the second Adam – Jesus Christ. Had the second Adam not come and provided grace, mercy, favor, saving, comfort, and direction, that picture of hectic chaos would be my final image.

But God.

I began to blast Christian music in my ears and quieting my mind by focusing on the word Jesus. In my mind I kept repeating the word Jesus. I needed to focus on the solution and not the problems. In reality, nothing that disturbed my peace really had power over me. I just forgot. I forgot who I was. I forgot what I had come through in the past. I forgot what I had already been strengthened to perform. I forgot how many seeds I’d already sown. Nothing I was stressing over was bigger than the ever present GOD that I serve. I was searching for peace, and it was all around me. I really just had to center my thoughts. Today, I had to talk it out. Once to my cousin, my prayer partner, my God-logic when I have these memory lapses, my fellow visionary. But even greater than that – I talked to God. Audibly. I got in a quiet place and talked to the One Who Saves. I gave Him the Word He left for me. I reminded myself that TRUST IS A VERB. Say it with me: TRUST IS A VERB. Within the hour, I began to notice that my chest was a little lighter. My breathing was little deeper. I read the Word earlier today, and my theology textbook, and it began to play in my head. JESUS IS THE CHRIST.

**I found two entries to a book I never finished. Here’s one. It blessed me to re-read it. I believe it’s from 2013. Enjoy. Ivy out. **

At the end of the day, I found my peace. It was already here, I just needed to focus on the right thing. (Have you ever tried to focus on a dot, far away, when your eyes were out of focus? It is not fun!)

Do you also need to shift your perspective? Let’s pray:

::Almighty God! You ARE love. You ARE greatness. You ARE ever present. You are the reason why we breathe. Lord, sometimes we forget to focus on You and not our confusion. Employ the Holy Spirit to comfort us when we lose sight of what’s important. Push the Paraclete to bring joy back to our remembrance. Remind us that the joy of the Lord is our strength. We trust You, Elohim. We rest in You. We love You and thank You. We leave this place lighter than when we came. Amen.::

Have you eve experienced something so impactful that you KNEW you would never be the same? Tonight I did. As a part of a ministry thrust, I joined some sisters I know and love, and we volunteered with a wonderful organization called Elijah Rising (Go see: www.elijahrising.org). One of our sisters previously participated and brought back an amazing report each time. This month, the date was blocked off in my calendar and reserved just for this event. While I am no stranger to community service, or the concept of outreach, this was different.

My heart began to tear for a lot of issues, ESPECIALLY certain issues concerning women, two years ago. I had a very candid conversation with my NAOMI and she shared a documentary with me called NEFARIOUS. The result was pain and tears. My eyes hurt, my heart hurt, my mouth formed the words, “how could this happen” countless times. I made the “mistake” of praying a prayer that my NAOMI prayed, “Lord break my heart for what breaks Yours”. SoO MUCH heaviness! Conversely, there was also a cloak of fear, thoughts of insufficiency, and weakness. Self-talk that included theories that lead to the belief that one wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t enough. As if I asked God to cancel each of these thoughts out, 2015 showed up and put on a show and tell. God allowed life’s fly balls to show me just how capable I was. (Never discount the fact that the person you think is strong still needs encouragement). This has been the toughest season to date; however I am still standing. Rather, I have learned when to kneel. I have not lived these thirty-one years and succeeded because I am so awesome. God is awesome and allows me to reflect Him.

Tonight, I was stationed in the WAR ROOM, interceding for the teams that deployed and those on the phones. Talk about empowering! There was intercession, without regard for your personal hang-ups (because you’ve turned those over already!). The feedback from the street teams actually touching those in need. Word applied. I am humbled to have volunteered tonight. I am excited because there are other projects coming. Very soon I will have information about ways WE/You can assist Elijah Rising and it’s mission from WHEREEVER you are.

Never forget that one person with courage can change the world. Your personal contribution of seed, time, or service, can be multiplied when turned over to Christ.

With a full heart and an humble spirit,

IVY OUT

There have been a host of feelings and emotions swimming around inside of me for the past two months. I could probably write a novel, just from March – May of 2015, but I choose not to. Instead, I’d like to write a public letter to God. I don’t know if anyone can relate, but I’ll share.

Dear Abba,

There are a ton of scriptures, in Your Word, that tell me to be strong, unwavering in my faith, and secure in the fact that YOU know the plans You have for me. However, there are a ton of days when I can’t see the step in front of me. Each day, no matter how it begins or ends, I take You with me on this journey. You have seen my highest of highs, and my below-the-valley lows. There is no secret kept from You, or even attempted to be hidden. For that, I thank You.

You happened to call home my father, my daddy, the man who raised me and groomed the woman that I am. Although, he came into my life at an early age and not birth, he will ALWAYS be my SUPERDad. Not even death could change that. Jesus defeated death through his resurrection. I know that I will see my daddy again, I don’t doubt that, but it doesn’t make the absence of his earthly presence easier to handle.  I am a recovering worrier. You already know that, but You told us to confess (I John 1:9). I don’t want to worry, I want to trust. I know that you do all things GREAT, which means you chose to take my dad from a place of pain and suffering, and usher him into a place where he would never know pain again. I know you heard the prayers for peace and comfort. Thank You. That also means You have something for us to do here. Now, I can’t see the future, and I’m not asking one else what to either, but You knew my end before my first breath. Order my steps, Father. Guide my feet/hands, mind/heart, and everything in-between. When my physical eyes can’t see forward, guide my spiritual vision. When “moments” spring up that echo “no enough”, employ the Holy Spirit to remind me of who I am in You. There are those who think I am strong, I disagree! However, that is my opinion. I have just learned what it means to endure, some things better than others.

In other matters, Father, You know my heart’s desire. Your word says seek You FIRST, and You will grant those. I trust You to do that too.

So I guess the purpose of this little exercise is to remind myself, via my pen to you, that I trust you. I don’t understand it all. I can’t see it all. I probably couldn’t handle “it all”, but I trust You. (And in moments when I don’t, like this fella – Mark 9:24, help my unbelief!)

I’ll love You always Abba. I miss SUPERDad – the Angel. I am her.

IVY Out

I have found myself asking questions and praying to God…well talking to God as if He was right next to me.

Am I the only one who is doing that in this season?

When the speakers were announced for The Answer Conference I was elated. I immediately made plans to have my face in the place so that I could glean from this hand picked team of leadership. One guest in particular became the target of a few prayers. God and I conversed about my desire to meet her. This woman who had been transparent with her scars, her truth, her past, and who has chosen to let the public in on enough of her life to see God blessing her in amazing ways. I kind of… Strongly requested to meet her. To the One who could do anything, I made my petition. In conversation I mentioned it to one who is very close to me. I didn’t know how God would do it… I just believed He would. (You know… That have not ask not kind of faith)

So… Fast forward… The conference was amazing! From start to finish. The very FIRST speaker to teach blew my mind. I could trace my life, my current situation, my growth,
and even some of my own thoughts in his content. Later, the speaker I prayed about meeting entered with her husband.

I totally had a fan girl moment… She was actually close enough for me to walk up to. Of course I couldn’t…. But she was close enough. I listened as she spoke. I felt like she was speaking directly to me. Then it happened… I received notification that I would actually get a chance to meet her. I IMMEDIATELY started to cry. God had heard me. Literally. THAT is the GOD I serve. The small little prayer that I sent up to the Father was received and scheduled for delivery.

Now… without continuing… What have you been asking God for? Do you ask with the belief that He hears you? Because if you don’t, stop asking.

I know that bad things happen. I am not blind or dense enough to deny the atrocities believers face. ::pause:: When I am exposed to audio visuals….I cry. Real tears. I weep for what our brothers and sisters are facing. It tears at me. I pray, HARD. I have to trust that God is working everything out for His glory. Then I get back in my Word and realize that it’s truth isn’t predicated on my current condition. At THAT point… I get my requests back to THE ONE Who Answers Prayer.

Now… Sometimes the answer is “no” or “not yet”. I waited. I didn’t hear that. I didn’t hear anything. I kept believing. Let’s wrap this up by saying…it was one of the sweetest, stillest moments of my thirty-one years of life. She heard what I shared… She responded… We hugged a couple of times…and I was able to speak freely from my heart. Unbelievable. This really happened. Your gifts WILL make room for you… She actually turned my message around and encouraged me.

Yup. I am totally still in THAT moment. Wow Lord. Only You could orchestrate that. All honor to The Most High.

This entire narrative was to stress ONE thing… PRAYER STILL WORKS. Keep praying. Do NOT get tired. P.S. He knew we would get tired, so the encouragement was there before we needed it. Everything I need… (Finish that).

With a full heart and a huge smile…
Ivy Out 😉

I just stopped everything I was doing to share something.

I admit that a lot of my frustration, as it pertains to relationships of all kinds, came from me. I have loved people who were in a state that was “not loveable”. I have been frustrated when people didn’t act according to expectation (mine or theirs). I have been frustrated when I could not be who or what I wanted to be for someone else. All of these things stem from “I”.

*

When I really studied Gomer and Hosea, I cried. Hosea, a kingdom man, was a picture of Christ for his bride (you and I). She repeatedly did things that “broke” their relationship, and God repeatedly sent Hosea to bring her back. I think I’ve loved some Gomer-esq people. I think I have also been Gomer-ish. How grateful I am for a God who would send the Holy Spirit and always be there to receive me after messing up. Their very children’s names were Jezreel (God sowed), Lo-ruhama (She will be shown no compassion), and Lo-ammi (Not my people). Hello… clearly something up here. Gomer was a worldly woman with a past and a perplexing present *in those days. Her husband took her back after adultery, idolatry, and disgrace. God sent him back to get her. Talk about a level of forgiveness. While I am not in Hosea’s mind, I can only imagine.

*

How does this relate to me? I am called to love. You are called to love. Sometimes, I disobey. Other times, my ability to care for people crosses into my ability to be vulnerable.

God doesn’t call us to love people when they are easy to love. He calls us to love people. Period. My frustrations often stemmed from something I could control, my reactions to people and circumstances. While I am not saying it is easy, it is paramount that we learn to react differently and remember to love anyway. Sometimes that means loving from a distance, or letting go, or staying put and asking God to help you love them right where they(you) are.

“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:” Philippians 2:5 (NIV)

This takes work. But if you filter you situation through grace, it’s a lot easier to handle.

Ivy Out

It’s been heavy on my heart to share something with you. I used to seek opportunities to meet people who had “made it” in a certain arena to ask them if I was good enough. For example, I have met a lot of people in the music and makeup industries. I would sing for people, or share song snippets, NOT to break into the industry, but for validation of my gift. I didn’t publicize it, parade it around, or abuse any contacts but I kept searching for more validation.

The positive “yes”never seemed like it was enough.

With makeup, I compared my work to the work of the popular artists of social media. I would look at their work with both an eye of admiration and an eye of scrutiny. Questioning wether or not my work should look like theirs. THEN, I would go to industry events, receive compliments, and not be able to receive them. The industry greats that I have encountered didn’t see the minimal likes on Instagram or the less than 1,000 likes on my fan page. Because of that, I just could t receive from them. Insane!

All of this, while praising God for what I had accomplished. Lifting each gift to Him for His glory. Have you realized the HUGE error of my ways?

One: Without faith it is impossible to please God. Don’t believe me? Go check out Hebrews 11:6.

I couldn’t simply ask God to favor the gifts He hand picked just for me. I had to believe that it had already happened. I had to believe that I was already enough.

Two: I had NO BUSINESS comparing Andonnia to anyBODY. 2 Corinthians 10:12. I have heard the quote “Comparison is the thief of joy” (Theodore Roosevelt) and it still hadn’t hit me. The one who could validate me already had. I spent so much time scrutinizing my work, that I didn’t see my growth. I am a believer that there is value in mentorship and constructive critique, but not in beating yourself up because you don’t produce like anyone else. Hello… Earth to me! Shucks, HEAVEN TO ME!

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. (‭Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭13-14‬ NLT)

The truth is, we are not supposed to measure up. We will never equate to God and we are uniquely an individual. We should appreciate the greatness we produce and celebrate the greatness that others produce.

We have journeys that may seem similar, but in fact they are VERY different. Much like our fingerprints, our gifts are ours alone.

Today, I celebrate my journey and all of its nuances. I also celebrate you!

Authentically Yours,

Ivy Out

I apologize that there hasn’t been a post since October! Totally not planned. The crunch of life as a doctoral student/middle school teacher/ ministry servant/ and whatever other hats I have tipped this Fall became overwhelming. There is so much to say, like how amazed I am at Zipporah’s obedience to God, the discipline of waiting (again), life as a dreamer, and just breathing. I really, really need to read Priscilla Shirer latest.

Today, I am venting.

I have recognized the discomfort that ushers in change. Much like when you go to places you used to frequent and end up feeling like a whale out of water. Not just a fish because a small fish might flap it’s way back to the pond and “fit in”. A beached whale, however, is NOT getting back into the ocean with out help. That last part, “stick your finger there”.

I no longer feel the need to go to certain places. When I attempt to go, I don’t enjoy myself. I don’t listen to certain songs as often as I used to. I could insert scripture that tell us to filter what is imputed into our minds and hearts, but I’ll let you add that to your Bible study for the week. 😄 One would imagine that I would figure out the need to filter my contacts as well, but that too came from a level of discomfort. My tolerance for conversation without substance is very low. It’s not about being “bougie” or “elitist”, I just want people to say something, when they say something. If that’s wrong, indict me. (Insert emotion here)

In the midst of political and humanitarian unrest, in the apex of kingdom work, in the flow of matriculation, pre-middle school testing season, I am still trying to break into the conglomerate of thinking-talkers. Those who find it invigorating to be a healthy sapiosexual. Toting a mug of tea or coffee, smothering soft jazz with “a-ha” moments or riveting debates, where are you people? I feel like I need to be a FBI agent to find the gathering spot. Is it a covert mission to find a group of thirty-something’s that are interested in things other than Jordans, reality television, and being on “fleek”? (Because I am not at all concerned with those things…) I have had this conversation with several like minded people. Those who have tapped into the top secret mix of granite do not live in the Houston area. The others are just as baffled as I am.

Where are the single, saved, sapiosexuals? No clue what that means? It refers to those who are attracted to intelligence. Where are those people who’s idea of having a good time doesn’t include the phrase “turn up”? If you have the secret handshake, let me know.

Like a beached whale, I have turned to help. I’ve prayed. My desires are so big in this season that the only significant help that I receive is sent from the One who made me this way. He has post marked and sent people into my life for such a time as this.
This is just one of the many thoughts swimming inside of my heart. I guard my well-spring, but sometimes I wish God would send a covering to help me guard it. Send a friend who can encourage, rebuke in love, and cheer on the work.

Maybe I am the only person who is on this boat, but that doesn’t bother me. Just like a famous apostle said, ” Lord if it’s You, bid me to come.” If someone shows up, I ask the Father to reveal or confirm that the person should be in my life. What I know for certain, some numbers, email addresses, social media connections, and people won’t make it into my life in 2015. I am open to the secret bat cave that must be housing the conversationalists. I am open to the guidance from God that keeps me going. I am grateful for grace. I am honest. I need Him 24/7, because I am a mess. I am grateful the God is not like man.

Ivy Out