Author: Andonnia

The greatest test of character, for me, has not come in times accompanied by smiles or laughter. They come when I am fighting back tears, to save face. Or maybe, inhaling tears, so that they reverse into my ducts and keep me from coming unglued.

It is easy to say you trust Christ when it’s in your favor…but WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU FEEL LET DOWN? I’ll tell you what I did today. In my pre-ugly cry face, because I wouldn’t let the tears take over, I said, “It hurts, but I trust You.”

Why am I sharing?? Because I am not the only person whose prayers were answered with something different than what they prayed for. Does that mean that something amazing isn’t around the corner? Nope. It means that what I thought I wanted wasn’t for me right now. That’s a hard adult pill to swallow. So while I AM done adulting today, I am going to plant my feet, breath through the pain in my chest, and keep living. Life happens when we smile and when we frown, how we handle it is called maturity. (Might not be in the dictionary, but here it applies, ok?!)

Ivy Out

I used to wonder why so many parables and lessons in the Bible were about plants. I think I get it now. It’s culturally relevant no matter where we are in time. Even if we don’t live in an agrarian society, we can still marvel at the beauty of plants. Some of us have gardens or flower boxes. Some may just admire the image of still plants, or artificial ones. However the point is this, WE GET IT.

My journey, my seed, can physically be linked to my conception…but this adult journey is linked to surrender. It was my surrender to God that placed me in a hearing space. I was thirsty to hear from HIM. I wanted to be pleasing to God. That meant taking off some old things.

If you have been a visitor for any length of time on my blog, you understand that I am very clear about my transparency. There is something that comes up every year about this time. CELIBACY. The dictionary defines celibate as such: a person who abstains from sexual relations. You know what I often hear? Something to the tune of “I really respect that” and the suitor then Olympic-style sprints in the opposite direction. Oh and the forever loud banner of, “I can’t do that”. This next segment speaks to the Christians, the Believers, and the Disciples of Christ: newsflash, YOU CAN, if you want to.

Sex is one of the sins that doesn’t suck immediately. It’s a flesh fix. It gratifies a hunger and thirst momentarily. Let’s face it you have a goal, whether it’s to gratify your fix (or serve the other person theirs), it’s a lot of blissful work for a few seconds of pleasure. For most, sex is your drug of choice. Say what you want, it’s a drug. There is a clinical term for those addicted to sex that impairs functioning. We don’t have a term for those who just enjoy it so much that we modify our lives around it. We “norm” sex. As believers, we can find a plethora of scriptures reminding us, and chastising us, to keep sex confined to a marital covenant. Sex was designed to be a wonderful experience between a man and a woman joined together in a forever marriage. Nope, not up for a law filled debate, this is based on scripture. Sex, lust, drugs, gluttony, greed can all be linked to a flesh fix, and they aren’t the only ones. They don’t immediately suck because they give us what we want…right? They feed the urge. However, it’s temporary. When we engage in something that lulls us to the very thing we want, with no bullet in a gun against us, we are in a constant chase for the proverbial carrot. I disagree with the fight fire with fire cliché. Fight fire with WATER.

We choose to not sacrifice the urge. We choose to give in and not pick up our cross and walk. It’s a choice. If it were a need, most of us would not have made it out of elementary school. I also understand that some have already gotten “lost in the sauce” and will tell me it’s difficult. YES, I KNOW. I really do, because for ten years I actively participated. I had sex a lot. Not with a billion people, but countless time with the individual I was in a relationship (or situationship) at the time. It doesn’t matter if it was one time or a million times, I stopped because I was tired of being a hypocrite. The urge didn’t die and honestly it’s still difficult. This March makes four years since I made my decision. I have come dangerously close to a full blow mess up. In some ways, I have messed up. However, there is such a thing as beginning again.

I am always encouraged to find others on a journey to sprout new growth. I am always excited to find believers who really are looking forward to living by design. Those who will savor the moment that they are in, and then let loose once the covenant is established. Yes, let loose. You better believe I plan to make my husband happy in all areas, including sexually. (Insert scripture about the undefiled marital bed) I am not a lone forest. I am not even a blossom in full bloom. I am a humble green sprout seeking to flourish around others who finally get it. No. Some sin doesn’t feel like pain. Sometimes the sin can take you higher than you have ever been before. But there is one thing that I can assure you, the drop off at the end WILL suck.

Ivy Out

I believe in transparency. I do. Therefore, this blog is laced with it. I didn’t mean for this to be the next post, but emoting wilt taketh over thy blogeth. (Yes. All of that.)

I failed as a giver today. Correction, I failed (again) as a receiver. Someone that I am cool with at work gave me a gift that I didn’t feel comfortable receiving. Now, without going through an enormous amount of questions, it was a Valentine’s Day card with two gift cards inside. I took one look at the gift card amount (total) and immediately plotted to return that part. It made me uncomfortable that a co-worker would spend this much on me…period.  It didn’t dawn on me… the light bulb didn’t go off… and no red flags went up on how my co-worker would feel. I spoke to someone on theteam as a consultant and that was my first smoke signal that this may be trouble. Well. When I actually returned them today, I felt both really weird and really relieved. There was relief because it was received, it was weird because I don’t think it was positive. I don’t care how I tried to explain my discomfort, compare it to gifts received by others in the past, or the instinct in my gut the coworkers face and eyes were like bullets.

Reflection: I haven’t made as much progress as I should have by now with “The Giver Learning How To Receive”. I still question random gifts. I can overanalyze something to smithereens. I will pray about this. ‘Cause I full-well-expect the Mister (who is out there somewhere, right? LOL) to speak my love language (Words of Affirmation and Gifts), but it isn’t a regular thing in my life. I am going to have to get the kinks out. Seriously. I don’t know how to fix the above situation. I can only pray. About my own disposition, I can pray. Reflection is beasty. Have you been to the “Mirror Ministry” lately? Why don’t you visit it and then share your reflection…or not.

Ivy Out

So, recently my Pastor has been mentioning Divine Connections. I am not absent of this concept, and I know them to be very instrumental in my life. However something about them, THIS time, sticks out.

I could write a thesis on the impact God connects have made in my career (each of the literal assignments that I’ve had over the past seven years), assignments, classes (both my M.A. and my Ed.D’s current journey), and every business that I have owned. I could even list results of favor because of relationships established. But, today I won’t. Happy Monday!

Open your eyes and your heart. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so…

#LoveForward

Ivy Out

Sometimes, I wonder what people receive when I blog. Then reality gives me a one, two combination to the jaw (Sorry, I just watched a boxing movie). I am only responsible for what I give.  What people receive is up to them. Removing that burden, with a clear heart and clean hands, is a workout. I am willing to consistently work “this” out every day of my life. 

(my) Life isn’t based on trends. If it were, I would be in a constant world-wind. Nothing is constant about trends, but change. Life is about consistency and foundation. If a house is beautiful with manicured lawns, attractive square-footage and equity, yet it doesn’t repair the hairline fracture in its foundation, it’s trash with a deadline. Over time, it is the hairline fracture that will cause shifts, slides, cracks and the need for costly repairs. The pretty lawns and equity are a waste without a strong foundation. Such is life. 

Who am I at my core? 

I am a young woman with a solid understanding of one thing: I don’t have all of the answers. I do have a lot of questions. I am inquisitive to a fault by some people’s standards. However, their measuring stick doesn’t reach this far. I learn through questioning. That would be akin to my love for science. I also push, challenge, and walk through given restrictions. THAT, would be the artist in me. I am like fire and water. Two elements that do not mix without completely changing the environment surrounding them. I analyze and synthesize. I question and create. I am not “deep” on purpose, I am just me. I am an anomaly to some. I am obtuse to others, literally. I am righteous to no one. By no standard am I perfect. I realized my faith matured…when I had to use it. 

When conventional thinking ceased to lead my thoughts, and a Hebrews 11:1 transition happened in my head, I knew growth. I couldn’t see the solution, I just believed it was working out for my good, and His glory. I did not expect to make it through some things as well as I did. I said good-bye to my father, I walked away from a relationship that  imploded with little-to-no tears, and I learned how to love people who were hard to love. 

I love. I am a walking, talking miracle.  I have not had a hard life, but I have known hard times. 

Who are YOU, at your core? 

Many people exist in a suspended state. They are always looking for the next thing. The next love interest. The next job. The next paycheck. The next big break. The next becomes the carrot and the chase. The now becomes the forgotten and the frustration. We are more dependent on capturing a moment, than living it. We will text the person next to us to avoid conversation. We will avoid the unknown for fear of rejection. We argue subliminally via multiple social media platforms. We will shield ourselves from the unknown, simply because we don’t really know, what we know. 

I am focused on love. I am happier there. I am a giver fulfilled there. It’s not because there aren’t many other things that I could focus on. I choose THIS hairline fracture. If contractors can use foam to fix a foundation, surely I can use love to live. You can not -ology love in a hypothesis, dissertation, or marriage certificate. You live it. You give it. And if God is who I know He is, you receive it. 

If you can get the foundation right, the rest will actually matter. 
Happy New Year. 

Ivy out. 

So… I was hanging out in the study section at LifeWay and a quiet voice asked me if I needed help. That voice belonged to Ms. Wanda. She came by before, but I was on the phone with my cousin (Hi Dez😜). I explained what I was researching and some kind of way…I started talking about the things I do. Well.. That caused her to laugh. A few more sentences in, I mentioned SUPERDad and Brown Twin’s adventures in the hospital. (That would be my mom and dad by the way…) Well somewhere between Thursday, March 26 and Thursday, May 7 Ms. Wanda began to cry. You see… A long time ago, her father passed. I asked her for a hug, on my way to giving her one. Doesn’t matter if it happened 2 days ago or 20 years ago… We live through the moments. 
She kept complimenting me about being sweet and looking forward to my next visit…while I was thanking God for this experience. You see, I had other plans for the evening. I got dressed to attend a poetry event, but didn’t make it LifeWay on Tuesday as previously planned. I believe this evening’s steps were ordered. I so delighted in my conversation with this lady, who was just as sweet as she could be. Turns out, she was the assistant manager and we were 8 minutes past closing! I know we talked at least twenty minutes. I rushed myself out, but decided I had to share. This is what life is about! Love God and love God’s people. The latter is HARD sometimes, but not as it pertains to Ms. Wanda. Will you sprinkle her into your prayers tonight? Let’s ask God to bless her! She was sooooo lovely. I pray that one day I am lovely to someone like that. The ear and kind response was like water to a parched throat, an oasis!  Loving forward. 
Ivy Out

So, grief seems to be an all to familiar topic of discussion lately. 

SUPERDad has been a citizen of heaven now for seven months. 

I live everyday knowing he isn’t here. I have moments. I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t feel it, I do. 

  
I saw a movie today (90 Minutes in Heaven) and I saw my father instead of the actor on the screen. Not because my dad was in a wreck, but because my father was in a very dire state when he arrived in Houston. Each Doctor that spoke to me kept repeating how sick my father was. Sir(s), talk to me about answers and solutions. We did. But I was the first family member in Houston to speak to my dad before brain surgery. He not only made it through, but he did it as only a SUPER HERO COULD! However, the scene was too much.  I left the room and went outside because I didn’t want everyone to see the meltdown. And a meltdown it was. Almost to the point of nausea. These moments suck badly. However, it’s a part of the process. I recognize that. 

I didn’t write this because I need or want anyone to feel sorry for me. In essence, I want to confirm for many that grief is a chameleon that doesn’t have a mold. 
Now, what to do when you know someone is mourning or grieving? Be up during up times and support during down moments. Don’t look for a prescriptive antedote. Just BE. I thank God for those who support me. I thank God for those who have shared in this experience and shared love with me. 

You never get over those who tattoo their very life into your heart. However, you can live through it. You can live from moment to moment. My moment was difficult, but I called my cousin. I called someone I knew could help me shake the moment. It worked. Sometimes the only thing you could do, is be who you are. 

Tonight was a moment. It came and has gone. I will remember the good things that my father taught me. I will cherish all of the great smiles, lessons, and love he shared with me. I will live through life. When the next moment comes, I will go through it too. No matter where I am. 

I can smile again. 

Merry CHRISTmas.
Ivy Out

This message is not going to make some people happy. However, I have never really been a crowd pleaser.

Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s expose and talk. This is a twofold blog, and it’s candid.

I have noticed that a lot of my Single Christian Girlfriends are frustrated. I float into that emotion from time to time. Around holidays and special celebrations, I believe it gets worse. Part of the reason for the frustration may be what we are visually attracted to. The first glance is what usually calls for exploration. For the most part, women will pick you apart within the first ten minutes of conversation. I have heard it was quicker for men, however I can only speak from experience. When it comes to initial contact, I am very attentive to the content and ease of the conversation. A lack of substance is a red flag.

We will always be frustrated if we are attracted to, approached by, or affiliated with people who are not spiritually sound. This goes far beyond just being  labeled as a Christian. If she is striving to live right, and he is just trying to make it a regular occurrence to show up to church, you two will eventually split. Even if the split isn’t inevitable, conflict will be. While conflict is a normal occurrence in life, some of it can be avoided.  I can’t speak for other Christian single women, but I can speak for me. I don’t want to entertain anyone who has not built their own spiritual foundation. Where am I pulling stuff like this? I don’t know, maybe Ephesians 4, 2 Corinthians 6:14, Amos 3:3, and Hebrews 10:25 for starters.

If you imagine your spiritual life like a muscle, then you understand that it atrophies without use. So for the woman who is making attempts to deny her flesh, connecting with a man who is giving in to his is going to be trouble. Even simpler than that, if she wants someone who will read/study with her – and he doesn’t see that as valuable – that will end in conflict. The silent conflicts are the worst. He may not even know that his actions are painful to her. She then pulls away and becomes emotionally unattached. Newsflash for the non-communicating audience: if a communicator stops communicating with you, there is cause for alarm. Yes, I will blatantly use repetition for emphasis in this blog. I stated that it was candid, maybe I should sub that for blunt, with a smile? While this can also happen in from a male driven perspective, I am dealing with this as a single Christian woman. I welcome all feedback in the comments section. 😉

I have recently encountered a lot of younger men on fire for Christ. This is awesome. It really is. At the time of encounter, I was in an environment where only those who are serious about Christ would be. This is where I take responsibility for my frustration, apparently I don’t always place myself in environments where potential suitors would be, who are on fire for Christ. The problem with that is, that includes church. Every single man who attends church isn’t necessarily living for Christ. How do I know?? As to not expose myself, or others, you are going to have to take my word on this one. If you disagree, again comments are welcome!! Other environments might have Christians, but how you carry yourself IN the world is a key indicator of what’s in you. Pastor touched on something Sunday that I will attempt to interject here:

If you have to be broken and shaken before someone sees your light, you are just as effective as a glow stick. In a dark place a woman needs a beacon of light, not a peek-a-boo attempt.

Now that wasn’t my Pastor’s intent when he mentioned the break-n-shake glow stick, but the illustration works here as well.

So…full circle: Where are the mature single men who are serious about Christ and SEEKING, SEARCHING, OR LOOKING for an equally yoked single lady? (Because if you aren’t ready for her, you shouldn’t seek her out…) No this isn’t a clarion call, but maybe it is. Not for me, for US. The us that I have been referring to throughout this blog. Again, I encountered a room full of young men who were on fire for Christ, they were mostly younger twenties. I am thirty-two. That room was full of young brothers who I appreciate and applaud, but I’m not even open to those inquiries. (Is this where someone inserts criticism because I prefer the man be my age or older? Are you going to tell me that I am single because I am too picky as it relates to age? I might agree with you, considering I am looking for a Godly man to provide and lead. If he hasn’t experienced any part of life yet…how is he going to lead someone who has? I’ll wait…)

An old co-worker and I had a conversation and the question surfaced: “What if he doesn’t read every day, but he’s attempting to get stronger in the faith?” My reply: I’m good with that. My entire purpose for all of ^ that was as follows: I don’t want to be the pull for him to build a relationship with Christ. I need that to already be in place. If I am the reason that you find a need to engage your Everyday Jesus (shout out to Anthony Brown and Group Therapy for an amazing album), then I will be the only motivation for you to grow that relationship. That’s probably not a responsibility I am going to readily step in for.

Secondly:

Ladies… are we welcoming inquiries from men who counter what we’ve prayed for? Assumptions here:

• You’ve prayed about the man whom you are to wed, and it lines up with scripture…
• You are active in your preparation to be a wife. You ARE a wife before I Do manifests
• You are a believer (Most of this won’t apply to you if you are not…)
• You live the faith and not just read it

Are you so excited that a well dressed, smelling good, tall, and handsome gentleman has finally approached you with a real conversation, that you get lost in the sauce – so to speak. Are we ignoring red flags hoping that somehow he will morph later? Growth happens, without or without your influence, but we have to be realistic about things and people. Nothing we have can make a man change unless he wants to. So…. No matter the circumstances, don’t date someone just because they have the potential to be awesome. Some people choose to let potential stay just that, potential. If the foundation isn’t there, you shouldn’t be either. That means being intentional about connections. When you think of the man whom you are to submit to, I would hope you want him to be submitted to Christ. If not, Sug, who’s influencing him? If he is leading you off of a bridge, I hope you know what to do. When you think of the man who will father your children, wait-a-minute you do consider that before you give him the treasure you hold, right? Not just visually, this man will contribute the other half of the DNA forms the construction of your child. Mannerisms, mentality and perspective, attitude and behavior, and ultimately he will be the model or example for your little person (alongside you). Sex shouldn’t be the motivator here. Good sex can come from a psychopath. That should prove my point here….moving on.

If he doesn’t have some of the non-negotiables when you meet, count the cost. (Make sure this list isn’t the impossible one that some women couldn’t live up to themselves.)

Our emotions may not be our driver, but they can affect our vision. They should be checked and evaluated, not allowed to push us off of a cliff. In that same vein, pray. Pray that the Holy Spirit is with you in decision making, and that you pay attention when He speaks/moves. Be cognizant of discernment in the area of relationships. We can’t ask God for a husband and then ignore His re-directions when Mr. Not-Right-For-You shows up in great cologne and a tie.

I guess I will end this one here. I look forward to really hearing back from readers. Sometimes the truth is like strong like tea with no honey. Other times, its soul confirmation.

IVY Out

 Over the past few days, several conversations have caused me to pause. For the life of me, the shelf life of those moments expired as quickly as they came. What did remain was the value and quality of those conversations.

I honestly believe that people have removed the premium from positive conversations. Real conversations. Not texting, but talking. This is a day and age where it is not uncommon to have an entire conversation with people and forget the sound of their voice entirely. We have resorted to shortening words, removing punctuation, and reducing emotional responses to emojis. I am not saying that is a bad thing, because I am certainly in that number, but what happens when you need to hear someone’s voice? What happens to the relief you receive when you don’t have to worry, when the timber and mellow tone of someone’s voice puts your very soul at ease? Where is the butterfly feeling you get when a certain someone puts in actual effort to select you from their favorites (insert my wiishful thinking) and waits for you to answer…merely to say they were thinking about you?

There is an art to conversation. There is a science to learning people. There is ALWAYS something new to learn about people you know (and an entire world of “get to know’ for stranger). There is always something to teach. We teach others how to love us, handle us, communicate with us, and respond to us. While technology makes short hand and written communication instant, I am old school when it comes to phones.

Tap into the past today. Call someone and say something nice.

Ivy Out